Wednesday, August 23, 2006

any glen will do

I'm back in California, and I am tired. Like, Bauer-tired.

Flying on Southwest Airlines has this effect on me. It's a thoroughly miserable experience. Those illegal aliens that get shipped over the Pacific in container cars? They feel sorry for people flying Southwest.

My contempt for flying Southwest is due in large part to my lack of options. It's the cheapest. If I were flying to Moscow or Mypos or something, it might be worth a few extra ruples to travel in comfort. But for the 3 hours of flight time, it's just not worth shilling 5-honey to American or Delta.

The staff of Southwest knows this. I did a bit of flying before the airlines industry tanked, and Southwest employees were always very friendly and jocular. Now that they're the only airline making any money, they just smirk at you as if to say, "yeah, you're miserable and we all know it doesn't make a difference because you've only got 4 more Rewards Points until you get a free flight to Topeka."

The coffee sucks. The magazine sucks. And you can't even escape into Dreamland for a brief respite because of the ubiquitous "Ding" every 3.7 minutes, and some demonic flight attendant who thinks that she needs to wake me up to ask me if I want peanuts. Peanuts? No, I don't want peanuts - I want to go back to sleep and resume my game of cribbage with Madeleine Albright. So how 'bout you take your little dry roasteds and stuff 'em in your high-waist khakis?

And no, the iPod is not on, I just like to leave in the headphones to filter out at least 7 decibels of screaming infants, for whom you are apparently offering some sort of promotion because there are four of them on one flight and how is that even possible and if for the love somebody doesn't slip one of those little bottles of Tanqueray in that kid's bottle I will open this emergency hatch because I am capable of doing so, as we have already established.

Oh yeah - Southwest aircraft only have two temperature settings: "Nordic" and "Cambodian Prison Camp".