sitting in my stuffy apartment, drinking orange juice

Probably one of the more farcical aspects of Bar Exam failure, as any Bar failer would readily admit, (assuming of course that you could happen across someone who would admit to failing the Bar, which is unlikely as we are a somewhat ignominious demographic not prone to straying from under our bridges to proclaim our vanquishment), is the well-intentioned yet hollow consolation and advice which, more often than not, lacks the benefit of having any basis in actual fact.

Oh, you would be surprised to learn how much your average non-lawyer knows about Bar Exams. And how kind they are in their willingness to proffer all of their hard-earned wisdom unto you. Until the past couple of weeks, I had no idea that our society was teeming with would-be Denny Crane/Dr. Phil hybrids. Dr. Cranes. Where would I be without your precious counsel?

Don't worry about it. I happen to know for a fact that only 10% of people who take it pass it their first time.

Ah. Let's assume briefly that this pseduotistic is accurate. In what way could that be taken as a comfort? "Don't worry, you're as dumb as the other 90% of the world." Splendid. Or even better, "The exam was so difficult as to render it utterly hopeless that you would ever have passed it anyway. So don't worry." Ok, are we done assuming now? Good. Because as I implied earlier, this is not true. The first time passage rate is somewhere in the neighborhood of 70%. So I'm only as dumb as 30% of the rest of the world.

Everyone fails it their first time. But then everyone passes it their second time.

Right. Although probably more likely the opposite. It might actually be forgiveable if it weren't from an actual lawyer. A California lawyer. This guy, despite having absolutely zero grasp of the test he ostensibly passed, is a licensed attorney. And I happen to know that he's a bloody useless one at that.

It's the lawyers. They get together every year and decide how many they want to let in. That way they don't flood their own market. They don't even read them.

...Right. That's... encouraging. Next.

You'd have had better luck if you'd have taken the Texas Bar Exam first, then the California exam.

Ah, yes. Not only do I love a good bit of retrospective advice, I also love it to be completely devoid of any sort of usefulness whatsoever. I'm so glad that we share the same 30%. We should make t-shirts. Even if I had taken the Texas Bar first, I would still be in the same position I'm in right now - having to take the California Bar in February. So what good would that have done me, especially considering the California subjects are where I truly bungled the miserable thing? This person? Also an attorney. Sigh.

In light of this advice, I think the best study strategy for Round 2 is to watch as much Fear Factor as possible in order to drop my intelligence just enough that I can pass the Bar and get licensed. Or find some petroleum products to inhale. Which would certainly be more entertaining than Fear Factor, but probably wouldn't work as quickly.