Friday, November 10, 2006

so give it up smooth - ain't no tellin' when i'm down for a jack move

Earlier tonight, I was rollin' through the mean streets of the 949. I decided it was time to hit up Whole Foods. Because when you need the hook-ups on summa dat choice fair trade Ethiopian bean, there's none better.

I had actually never been in a Whole Foods before. Although I've been in about a half-dozen other stores reasonably similar to Whole Foods, such as Mother's, Henry's, and Trader Joe's. These stores specialize in pandering blue-state food - organic, hormone-free, vegan, fair trade - a bountiful cornucopia of socially-conscious vittles. Like stucco Towers of Babel - birthed from the womb of whitebread suburbia to help us sleep more soundly in our 700 thread count Patrician sheets because we have eschewed Saltines in favor of buying stone-ground wheat crackers made by real Amish people

While perusing the deli section, I beheld a curious fellow, perhaps 30ish, with long curly ringlets of flaxen hair spilling from under his Mighty Ducks cap. I am inclined to describe him as a hippy, although in theory, everyone that shops at Whole Foods is a hippy to some extent. But he had long hair and he was kinda weird, so since I'm from West Texas, that makes him a hippy. We don't read a lot of Timothy Leary in West Texas. Incidentally, it's this same proclivity towards ideological binaries that allows us Texans to refer to all Democrats as "baby-killers". But I digress.

The hippy stared unblinking in the general direction of the herb-encrusted free-range roasted chickens. The gentlemen who had heretofore been charged with the task of stocking the aforementioned poultry inquired as to whether he could offer any assistance. The following exchange took place:

"Can I help you find anything, sir?"

"Did I ask you for help?"


"Did I ask you if I needed any help?"

"Well, um, no. You seemed like, I just, you know, wanted to know if I could help you with anything, like, um, the chickens."

"Do I look like I need your help?"

"Actually, well, no, I mean, I'm not trying to, I just-"

"Are we going to have a problem here?"

"No sir, but, I just..."

"Look, man! You need to back off! Because I don't need this [expletive] from you!

So yours truly, being the reasonably prudent officer of the court that I am - I'm hoping this crazy hippy actually tries something. Because I'm going to jump right in there! Why would I do this? For no other reason than I would be able to say, "I got into a fight at Whole Foods." I can just imagine my Homeric recounting:

"Hoov, how did you get that black eye?"

"I got into a fight at Whole Foods! Cool, huh?"

"Whole Foods? You mean like, the grocery store? Who gets into a fight at Whole Foods?"

"Hippies, man. Gotta keep my rep."

In other news, people may be dying in Darfur, but this shampoo is biodegradable! So even though I didn't get to beat up a hippy, I still feel like I've done my part. I also snip six-pack rings.