Thursday, December 29, 2005

like sands through the hourglass...

I'm annoyed. I'm sorry, but I simply cannot help it. I know that you usually rely on my blog as a source of hope and enlightment, but today, all you will get is vitriol and bile.

Why do people flying with small children always get C boarding passes? It does not fail that the A and B boarders will be on the plane, luggage stowed, and seat belts fastened, when the child-weilding flyers decide to grace us with their presence. They will stand in the front of the plane and scowl at the rows and rows of punctual people. How dare we not have saved room for you and your brood!

What is wrong with these parents? Were they lounging around the house thinking, "Hmm... should we print our boarding passes early or perhaps get to the airport at a reasonable time prior to our scheduled departure? No honey, I'm sure that a commercial airliner full of people would love to play musical chairs just to accomodate our lateness."

"It's his first time flying - he wants to sit by his mommy."

He's eleven. Let me break it down for you kid: it's about 20 seconds of Six Flags followed by 2 hours of Greyhound. So cut the cord and find an empty seat like the rest of us mortals. This is Southwest Airlines - one step above getting stuffed in the freight compartment, and if your mommy really loved you, she'd have printed you out an A boarding pass.

Then I get home today to discover that the 5-grader with whom I share a bathroom has "decorated" the mirror in said bathroom with stickers of fish. Dozens of fish stickers. It's like grooming myself in an aquarium.

And then I lost all faith in humanity when I saw the top ten downloaded songs on the iTunes Music Store. Photograph by Nickleback was at #1. Because nothing says Rock 'N Roll like a song whining about how much you miss high school. He used to kiss girls and go to the arcade. Yeah... rock on. At #2 was Laffy Taffy by D4L or whatever. I can just hear the studio execs now:

"You know what would be great? More songs that make tenuous analogies between female sexuality and confections - like maybe a McFlurry or Junior Mints."

"Or Laffy Taffy."

"...That crap that comes wrapped in the jokes?"


"You really think people are going to listen to a song about a girl and her Laffy Taffy?"

"They watch Laguna Beach don't they?"

"Good point. I smell a hit!"

Somewhere on the chart was My Humps by Black Eyed Peas. I would rather have the lyrics to Laffy Taffy carved in my tombstone than have to listen to 2.6 seconds of this aural putrescence. And at #10 is Beverly Hills by Weezer. I feel as though I should say that I kind of like this song. I think because of the move to this area, I feel like I can relate to the alluring siren song of Beverly Hills affluence. I also feel like Weezer used to not suck.

I wrote His Steveness and told him that the iTunes top ten should be Sigur Ros songs of my choosing. We'll see how that goes. In the meantime, if you're flying with children, show some consideration. Check 'em.