Friday, September 16, 2005

right back where we started from... because everything's closed

Here's the thing you gotta understand about California. Or at least Southern California. As of yet, I have no experience with the Bay Area or Northern California. Anyway, here's what you gotta understand.

There's nothing to do.

Let me explain. See, I'm from Lubbock, Texas. Growing up in Lubbock, you made your own fun. I think my associate Mr. Horn wrote a post about this awhile back. Lubbock also has nothing to do. So we just played video games, saw every movie that came out in the theater between 1995 and 1999, and threw water balloons at cars from the roof of Tyler's house. Although apparently now, Tyler goes by the monicker "Fingers". Which is silly. No one as old as Tyler should be called Fingers. Tyler is older than hair. Anyway...

I also went to college and law school in Lubbock, and all I heard for the seven years that it took me to amass 210 credit hours was, "there's nothing to do in Lubbock."

And these people who were lamenting the lack of recreation in Lubbock would proceed to describe how much better their lives would be when they moved to a "big" city like Dallas or Austin. "Then", they would say, eyes beaming with hope, "there will be stuff to do."

And just in case you didn't know, "stuff to do" really means "more bars to choose from". And this would frustrate me. Because my friends and I were having a perfectly good time in Lubbock, a town perpetually maligned for being no fun.

And so, to prove my point, here I am in So-Cal, the capital of fun, and there is nothing to do. Don't believe me? Bring it on:

1. The beach closes at 10 pm. The friggin' beach!
2. All the parks close at 10 pm.
3. Starbucks (some of them) close at 10 pm.
4. Jamba Juice? 9 pm.
5. Wal-Mart. 10 pm.
6. Fashion Island. 9 pm. And on the weekends: 7 friggin' pm.
7. Concerts? They're in L.A. or West Hollywood. That's 3 hours of driving, maybe 50 bucks worth of gas, 15 bucks to park, and your ticket of course, 50 or 60 bucks. Better hope you don't get car-jacked.
8. Surfing? I don't know, got a board? No? 500 bucks.
9. San Diego? What's wrong with you people? Why would you want to go there? It's just like Orange County, only with worse streets and more trees.
10. The bar scene? Do you really need to live in the most expensive place on earth just so you can hang out in bars? You can do that in Northa Dakota.
11. Go out on dates? No way. Texas girls are waaaay hotter. Trust me. I saw more beautiful women in the 10 minutes I was in the Lubbock airport last month than in the 4 months I've been here. You just think I'm exaggerating. I counted...

It's no wonder everyone out here has a substance abuse problem. The bars, head shops, opium dens, and absinthe houses are the only things open past 10 pm.

So the moral is: don't be fooled by location. If you're miserable in Lubbock, Texas, you'll be miserable in Dallas or Los Angeles or New York or Topeka. You know why? Because you're an idiot, and no matter how much cool stuff there is to do, you're stuck with your fool self while you're doing it.

As for me? It's a good thing I had all that practice trying to make an evening out of watching the Miss Universe pageant, or trying to bake a pizza in the FarmHouse lodge, or trying to catch air in my old Tahoe from that huge bump beside the KD house. Because I'm in Southern California, bored out of my mind and having a wonderful time.