Wednesday, May 25, 2005

which puts me in the running for the laziest man worldwide

I would never have thought that in Southern California, of all places, I would be confronted with such an utter dearth of postable happenings. And as the Devil once said to Ivan, "we simply must have happenings."

A lot of my time has been spent acquiring things which I neglected to bring along. Such as the aforementioned pillow. Not that my pillow back home was particularly stellar; it was actually rather flat. But buying a new pillow is horrendous. Even if you're coming from a terrible pillow, unbeknownst to you, your cranial region has become accustomed to the terrible pillow, and even the finest Vegas hotel-grade pillow stuffed with angel feathers feels like a bus station bench.

But now the pillow market is infested with these new-fangled pillows made out of foam and space-age polymers and magic beans. I ain't payin' no 90 clams for a pillow. I don't care if it wakes me up refreshed and does my quiet time for me, there just isn't the better part of a hundo lying around (ha! get it?) to be spent on a pillow.

And of course you have to take all the sample pillows and lay down with them on the floor of Linens N Things. So I procured for myself a delightful pillow. At least I thought it was until little goose feathers started poking through my pillow case and stabbing me in the face.

Let's see... what else have I done...

I had the best sandwich of my life. Prime rib sandwich at Lawry's. Wow. I also took a stroll on the beach and got my first sunburn as a California resident. I also joined a gym and got hit on by three middle age women during a trip to Brooks Brothers. After finding out that I had so many girlfriends, they wanted to know if my dad was single. I pray that that you, dear reader, will never have to suffer the experience of having someone leeringly and non-jokingly ask you if your dad is single.

Speaking of Big Jer, you're probably wondering how he fared in his trip to So-Cal. Well, a guy with a mohawk gave him a coupon for a free piercing. And my West Texas born and raised father just looooved the L.A. freeway system. I'm just glad he left before I heard the radio commercial offering free liposuction with the purchase of a tummy tuck. And breast enhancments for only $3200. I had always wondered how much those cost. At that price, I could buy them for all of my girlfriends.