Sunday, January 01, 2006

and the "truth" shall set you free

I have decided that I hate quotes.

I hate quotes for two (2) reasons. The first reason is that you and your ilk are always misusing the word "quote". And yes, I am well aware that my having to use them to facilitate describing my hatred for them is "ironic". So I will stop. I don't need you, quotes.


You read that just now and thought, *why did he write Excitebike in quotes?*

I didn't. I wrote it in [quotation marks]. Not quotes. A quote is a copy of text or speech attributed to someone else as the original author. Quotation marks are the squiggles that surround quotes. I can't stand it when people gesture with their index and middle fingers and call it ^air quotes^. No, those are air quotation marks. Not quotes.

Now onto quotes in the true sense. I hate that I could express any sentiment on this blog, no matter how sagacious and profound, and you would never give it as much weight as you would if I surrounded it in quotation marks and attributed it to someone famous.

Everyone should smoke cigars.

"Everyone should smoke cigars."
- Mark Twain

See the difference? You want to smoke cigars now that you know Mark Twain suggested it. But he didn't say it like that, he actually said it like this:

"If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go."
- Mark Twain

Now watch this: If I cannot play Excitebike in heaven, then I shall not go. See? Do you want to go play Excitebike? No, of course not. But if I were to post this -

"I like Excitebike."
- Benjamin Franklin

- You would dig it out of the closet right now. You know you would, you cognitively-dissonant hypocrite. So from now on, when I have something to say that is both erudite and perspicacious, I will be atributing it to someone much more highly thought of than myself. Then you will listen.

"Shredded beef does not belong in Mexican food."
- Santa Ana

"Oh yeah, California is sooo cool - until November when it starts getting dark at 4:30."
- Lord Byron

"The California Bar Exam - another conspiracy against white protestants."
- Bill O'Reilly