Wednesday, April 20, 2005

these are a few of my least favorite things

One of my favorite icebreaker activities in small-group setting is to inquire as to the three things of which people are the most scared. And since my personal list has recently been updated, it seemed only suiting to blog my own personal list of...

The Three Things of Which I am the Most Scared

1. Bears. Whenever I tell people that I am scared of bears, they usually respond as though this made no sense. They sorta cock their heads and say, "you're scared of bears? Why?"

Why? Bears will kill you. No questions asked. If you see one, that's it for you, you're done. You can't outrun them, you can't climb a tree, you can't bribe them. That bear is going to eat you. I don't understand why people can't see this, especially since every bipedal mammal with two X chromosomes is scared of spiders. Yeah, spiders can be creepy, but compared to a bear? The average bear weighs 7 tons and has millions of razor sharp teeth that can cut through bone, candy, and fences. I once saw a bear eat fourteen hobos on a dare. Luckily, I was hiding in my panel-van and he didn't see me.

I should point out that this is not a "phobia". I don't get all wigged out every time I see a picture of a bear, or a toy bear, or a documentary showing a bear eating a unicorn. It's a practical fear left over from the days when I was interested in backpacking. I was truly afraid that I was going to get mauled by a bear, and I don't feel as though that is at all unreasonable.

2. Scorpions. These cousins to the spider present an interesting theological question: How could a loving and benevolent God create something like a scorpion, and look at it and say it is good? They are without a doubt the most evil looking thing in all of creation. I also don't see how all the dames can be so scared of spiders and not scared of scorpions. They're like spiders with built in weapons. And armor-plating. I'm no fan of spiders, but if I ever see a scorpion in real life, I guaran-freakin'-tee you I will scream like a little girl. Although one time I saw one in a zoo that glowed in the dark. That's just not right.

3. Ski-jumps. This is the fear that was recently updated. I was formerly scared of girls. I'm not sure why. When in the company of females, I had no ability to say anything remotely interesting, amusing, or not completely idiotic. But then I just kinda got over it. I think I just stopped caring. I figured that if a girl likes me, that's cool. And if she doesn't, well, then that's between her and whatever committee of psychiatrists she's hired to help cure her of whatever mental disease she must have that would preclude her from thinking that I'm awesome. My mom says I have a nice personality.

So now I'm scared of ski-jumps. Like, those big Olympic giant slide things. Everytime I see one on TV or on the internet, I kinda get a chill. Especially if it's a shot looking from the top down. Just look at this shot from Autoblog:

Does that not freak you out? I mean, I love snowsports, and I especially love doing stupid and dangerous things, but there's just something unnatural about that. How can a person ever get good at ski-jumping? I realize that it takes practice and skill, but that doesn't change the fact that at some point, you have to climb up on that thing for the first time and make a decision to ski down a device that will propel you several hundred yards to what could very well by your icey demise. No sir, not for me. I'll just stick to climbing inside of laundry baskets and sliding down stairs.

So what's on your list of 3 most-scared-of things? And don't saying something like, "I'm scared that nobody will ever love me" or "that I'll die old and alone" or something else that would be a total buzzkill.