Thursday, August 02, 2007

my eight things - let me show you them

Elise has informed me that I have been tagged for the so-called "Eight Things" meme. And yes, I do fully endorse the use of the word "meme". It's so much more concise than "discussion fodder for geeky bloggers". Apparently, the idea of this meme is for me to list eight facts about myself and/or habits that I have.

I would like to start by saying that I really don't understand this meme. It basically boils down to me saying eight things about myself. Talking about myself is pretty much what I do on this blog. That's not arrogance or narcissism - it's just, ya know, why you get a blog. It's pretty much the point of any blog. I don't really think I need a meme to grant me the editorial freedom to talk about myself.

I suppose the practical effect is that by the time this is over, you will have gotten eight tiny posts in one long post. I also have to post the official "rules". To call them "rules" strains the definition of the word "rules", so I use air-quotes, from which you should be able to intuit my contemptuous tone when referring to these "rules". Nonetheless:

Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

So those are the "rules" of the meme. Does it seem odd to anyone else that only one sentence of the "rules" pertains to what you actually write? The rest of the "rules" are solely concerned with transmitting to your fellow bloggers their misfortune at having been your friend, as they haven't so much been tagged with this meme as they've been yoked with it.

Anyway, here are eight things about me. Or something.

1. I would slap a nun for a donut right now. Oh, I'm quite serious. If Mother Theresa herself walked into this office right now, she would probably say: "Hoov! I have returned to bring you good tidings! And to encourage you with messages of God's love for all man!" And I would say: "That's fabulous. Did you bring me a donut?"

And she would say: "No, Hoov - I bring tidings and messages, like I said." And I would say: "Oh, Momma T, you're so funny! For a second there it sounded like you said you had not brought me a donut."

I don't want to slap you, Mother Theresa - really I don't. But I will if I have to.

2. I am obsessed with pizza. I am aware, on the conceptual level, that pizza is not the greatest thing in the world. I am aware that there are things out there that are more wonderful than pizza. I simply have not experienced them yet. And I conjecture that many, if not all, of these wonderful things could actually be improved with pizza. What's better than Iceland? Nothing. Unless you're in Iceland eating a pizza. Being freed from death row on DNA evidence? It's a miracle! We should celebrate with pizza!

I eat it with such absurd frequency, and in such awe-inspiring volumes, that I could very well be only slices away from turning into an actual Ninja Turtle.

3. If I go out to check the mail, and there's nothing fun or interesting in it, I won't bring it into the house. If it's just bills and junk mail and coupons, I will leave it in the mailbox and go inside. Even though I already walked all the way outside, and it would require no additional effort to bring the mail in, considering that I will have to, at some point, bring these items in anyway, I will leave it there and return to the domicile.

If it weren't for my subscriptions to Nintendo Power and Cat Fancy, I would never be able to pay my bills.

4. I cannot pronounce the term "chocolate syrup". It comes out "chocolate sheerup".

5. When I was a child, my mother made me a Superman cape. I don't think I ever took it off. I just wore it until it disintegrated, which was sometime in the late '90s. I was absolutely convinced that this cape contained the power of flight within its scarlet threads, and that all I had to do was jump off the couch enough times and I would figure out how it worked.

6. Also from my childhood: Apparently, one Christmas my mother bought me Megatron. The original Megatron - the one that transformed into gun. Not a plane, or whatever somesuch nonsense was in the movie. After buying it, my mother was beset by the ludicrous notion that this innocent child's plaything somehow encouraged violence. She took it back.

Years later, she confessed this to me. I still have not forgiven her. You may have seen us on Dr. Phil. The episode aired earlier this summer as a cross-promotion with the Transformers movie.

7. I am madly in love with Diane Lane. Yes, I know she is almost twice my age. My affections are, as of the date of this publication, still unrequited. But I am a patient man, and I figure if anyone is worth waiting for, it's Diane Lane.

8. I have the curious urge to jump into fountains. Like, the decorative water fountains that you see in malls, hotels, shopping centers, and in front of office buildings. Even to my cynical 26.9 year-old brain, these architectural treasures appear to me as miniature water parks, inviting all to come and frolic. Tragically, the draconian hate-shackles of decorum and social construct impede us from partaking in the tiny water wonderlands all around us.

It requires every fiber of self-restraint not to jump in and splash around, and some day, the urge might just overtake me. So, if you ever have the pleasure of joining my entourage, and you see me space-out and stare off in the general direction of a fountain, please be so kind as to gently nudge me and say, "Hoov... No."

Ugh. So that's eight things about me. A few of those would have made decent posts on their own. Of course, nothing worthy of the Coke machine story, the Kissing Santas, or the Manly Sandwich, but decent enough in their own right.

According to the "rules", I have to tag people now. I don't really know who to tag. Most of the other bloggers I know have either already been tagged (i.e., Kyle), or are too smug to soil themselves with such inconsequential subject matter as blog memes (i.e., The Fleeg). So I'll do the best I can with what I can.

I'll even do it Pokemon style: Lee and Tyler - I choose you!