Monday, January 22, 2007

and the sultans played creole

Hi! It's me, Hoov. From the internet? The past two weeks have been rather brutal. I've been going back and forth to the L.A. courts to get yelled at by Judge Hatehoov. And trial hasn't even started yet.

You guys have seen Star Wars: Episode 1, right? You know the character of Darth Maul? The red-eyed, black-robed, sociopathic killer? Did you know that Darth Maul was not originally supposed to be in the movie?

No! It is true! See, what happened was, they were in the middle of shooting a scene, when all of a sudden, Judge Hatehoov ran into the set and started killing people. Even though this was tragic for her victims, George Lucas thought it was great. He could just keep her in the movie! Because she already had a black robe and ghastly demonic facial features, he would save a fortune in costume and make-up.

Yes, the battle wages on with Judge Hatehoov. Like Ahab and Moby, Kurtz and Marlow, Valjean and Javert, Elmer and Bugs; she hath pursued me into the choking dark recesses of California pre-trial procedure. I feel like I'm in the principal's office every time I go in there.

At one point, she even said that I was "unseemly". What? I am the most seemly dude that I know! And I won't have The Dark Lord herself suggesting otherwise.

Over the past few weeks, I have discussed some of Hatehoov's rulings and behavior with many lawyers around the office. None of them have had any advice or guidance. These experienced practicioners of the law can do no more than shake their heads and mutter either, "bizarre", "absurd", "outlandish", or simply just "ouch".

Which leaves me feeling quite frustrated. You've been practicing law for 25 years and you can't give me any more jurisprudential insight than bizarre? Am I really that screwed?

Yes! I kept intending to write a post outlining the absurdities, but every day there's another one! I can't keep up! So since I was so stressed - I took some pictures of flowers! Exclamation points!

Anyone who can guess what I used to take those wins a free song from iTunes. No, really! I will "gift" you a song! So guess!